THE MADMAN FROM EARTH
BY KEITH LAUMER
You don't have to be crazy to be an earth
diplomat—but on Groac it sure helps!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Worlds of If Science Fiction, March 1962.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
I
"The Consul for the Terrestrial States," Retief said, "presents hiscompliments, et cetera, to the Ministry of Culture of the GroacianAutonomy, and with reference to the Ministry's invitation to attend arecital of interpretive grimacing, has the honor to express regret thathe will be unable—"
"You can't turn this invitation down," Administrative Assistant Meuhlsaid flatly. "I'll make that 'accepts with pleasure'."
Retief exhaled a plume of cigar smoke.
"Miss Meuhl," he said, "in the past couple of weeks I've sat throughsix light-concerts, four attempts at chamber music, and god knows howmany assorted folk-art festivals. I've been tied up every off-dutyhour since I got here—"
"You can't offend the Groaci," Miss Meuhl said sharply. "Consul Whafflewould never have been so rude."
"Whaffle left here three months ago," Retief said, "leaving me incharge."
"Well," Miss Meuhl said, snapping off the dictyper. "I'm sure I don'tknow what excuse I can give the Minister."
"Never mind the excuses," Retief said. "Just tell him I won't bethere." He stood up.
"Are you leaving the office?" Miss Meuhl adjusted her glasses. "I havesome important letters here for your signature."
"I don't recall dictating any letters today, Miss Meuhl," Retief said,pulling on a light cape.
"I wrote them for you. They're just as Consul Whaffle would have wantedthem."
"Did you write all Whaffle's letters for him, Miss Meuhl?"
"Consul Whaffle was an extremely busy man," Miss Meuhl said stiffly."He had complete confidence in me."
"Since I'm cutting out the culture from now on," Retief said, "I won'tbe so busy."
"Well!" Miss Meuhl said. "May I ask where you'll be if something comesup?"
"I'm going over to the Foreign Office Archives."
Miss Meuhl blinked behind thick lenses. "Whatever for?"
Retief looked thoughtfully at Miss Meuhl. "You've been here on Groacfor four years, Miss Meuhl. What was behind the coup d'etat that putthe present government in power?"
"I'm sure I haven't pried into—"
"What about that Terrestrial cruiser? The one that disappeared out thisway about ten years back?"
"Mr. Retief, those are just the sort of questions we avoid with theGroaci. I certainly hope you're not thinking of openly intruding—"
"Why?"
"The Groaci are a very sensitive race. They don't welcome outworldersraking up things. They've been gracious enough to let us live downthe fact that Terrestrials subjected them to deep humiliation on oneoccasion."
"You mean when they came looking for the cruiser?"
"I, for one, am ashamed of the high-handed tactics that were employed,grilling these innocent people as though they were criminals. We trynever to reopen that wound, Mr. Retief."
"They never found the cruiser, did they?"
"Certainly not on Groac."
Retief nodded. "Thanks, Miss Meuhl," he said. "I'll be back beforeyou close the office." Miss Meuhl's face was set in lines of grimdisapproval as he closed the door.
The pale-featured Groacian vibrated his throat-bladder in a distressedbleat.
"Not to enter the