My Dear Mr. Punch,—As the representative of Justice in this country, Iappeal to you. And when I write this, you must not imagine that I claim,in my own person, to represent Justice—no, Sir, I only to some extentsuggest the Law—a very different matter. But, Sir, as suggesting theLaw, I apply to you for redress on behalf of hundreds, nay, thousands,of members of a very noble and learned profession. Sir, you will havenoticed that the Law Courts are congested. Look through the daily list(this you can do when term recommences), and you will find, thatalthough Chancery is doing fairly well, there is scarcely a movement inCommon Law. The reason for this is obvious. Nearly all the Common LawJudges are away, and business is simply at a standstill. Now, Sir, I amvery reluctant to give their Lordships more trouble than necessary, butI do think, for all our sakes, that increased facility should beafforded for trying cases single-handed. It should be managed in thiswise. But here, perhaps, in the cause of intelligibility, you willpermit me to describe my method in common (dramatic) form.
Scene—A Court in the Queen's Bench Division. Judge seated at a tablecovered with telephones. Bar benches empty, two Litigants (laymen)discovered in the well.
His Lordship. Now, Gentlemen, as you are appearing in person, you cansay and do what you please. It does not matter to me in the least, touse a colloquial expression, what you are up to. All I would ask is,that I shall not be disturbed until the time comes for me to deliver myruling.
Litigants (together). Certainly, my Lord. (They both commencequarrelling.)
His Lordship (with C. C. C. telephone to ear, and mouth tocorresponding tube). Quite right. I agree with the verdict of the Jury,and sentence the Prisoner at the Bar to seven years' penal servitude.(With Q. B. D. No. 4 laid on.) After carefully considering all theevidence that has been submitted to the Jury, and giving due weight tothe fact that the Defendant's vehicle was admittedly on the wrong sideof the road, I have no hesitation in declaring £100 damages a justaward. (Dropping tube, and taking up apparatus of Q. B. D. No. 5,sitting as Divisional Court.) I entirely concur in the judgment mylearned Brother has just delivered. (Dropping tube, and addressingLitigants before him). Well, and now you two gentlemen—how are yougetting on?
Litigants (together). Oh, please, my Lord, we have made it up.
His Lordship. Ah! I see; you have had no lawyers to advise you. Well,now that that matter is settled, the Court must stand adjourned untilto-morrow, as I have business requiring my attention in Chambers. (ToUsher). See that the telephones are switched on accordingly. [Exeuntomnes.
There, my dear Mr. Punch, could not some such arrangement as that Ihave shadowed forth above be reached during the present Vacation? Thesituation is really serious. Entre nous, Portington (my excellent andadmirable clerk) has not made an entry in my fee-book for more than afortnight—on my word of honour, Sir, more than a fortnight!
Yours truly,
Pump-handle Court, Temple, 5th of April, 1890.